The feeling of being completely out of control did nothing but make me more angry with myself for letting Jayden rule my very existence. He wasn’t in my life anymore, so why was I so willing to sit around, wasting my days away out of fear? He couldn’t hurt met, wasn’t part of me, was officially out of my life for good. So why did I feel like looking at guys, or thinking about guys was cheating? Was I so mentally fucked up that I still saw Jayden and I as a thing?
The complete frustration with myself was enough to get me out of the apartment Friday night, in a high neck mini dress that was slightly sheer. There was only the thought that I could do anything, needed to do everything to reclaim my life. I was sick and tired of feeling out of control.
When we reached the party, I felt so alive, every sound, every visual, every smell popped out even more than they had in the past. My eye was quickly going along looking at every guy, every girl, thinking about how only last week I was watching these people from the safety of my apartment. Mia disappeared in the crowd, going to look for some familiar faces from our classes, but I was perfectly content observing the people around me, enjoying the thought that my dress was provocative enough to garner lustful and hateful stares.
As I looked around the room, slowly following my friend through the crowd of dancing people, I caught the eye of a guy. He wasn’t incredibly tall, at least from what I could tell, but his face was nothing short of beautiful. He had short choppy dark brown hair, that slightly tilted towards his beautiful crisp blue eyes. His body was lean, like a runner’s, slight muscles showing under his dark T-shirt. Instantly, I was drawn in by his nonchalant stare, as another rather good looking guy stood beside him throwing what was in his cup back. His friend was taller, his body more muscular, with longer light blond hair and deep green eyes. And even though I instantly recognized his friend as the infamous Noah, I just wanted to know the name of the guy that had caught my breath.
Mia looked back at me, instantly noticing my attention was on something other than her. So she came back, seeing if she could get a look at who or what had stolen my gaze. Once she saw the eye candy I was desperately staring at, she grinned.
“I knew you’d think he’s hot,” she commented taking my hand. “I’ll introduce you.”
“What?” I asked coming out of my trancelike state. “Who?”
“That’s Noah’s best friend, Ashton,” she replied referring to the detached blue eyed gorgeous man.
Though meeting him was exactly what I wanted, my stomach churned nervously, thinking that I might pass out from being near him.
“Hey Noah!” Mia greeted cheerily upon reaching the pair of guys. Noah was laughing, looking at a petite blond girl across from him, while Ashton continued to stare into the crowd, seemingly emotionless. I wanted to reach out and touch him, just to make sure he was real. “This is my best friend Adrian.”
I waved, smiling at the blond guy grinning widely at me. “Hey,” he looked over at his friend and said, “This is Ashton.” Then taking Ashton by the neck, throwing his arm around him lovingly, “he’s my main man.”
Ashton looked at me, our eyes connecting for a moment, sending an electric shock through my body. “Hi,” I greeted casually. I didn’t want to look away, though I could tell the moment was about to turn awkward. After all what do you say at a party to a beautiful stranger?
Mia looked over at the petite blond and said, “I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Mia.”
The girl smiled politely, though her attention seemed to be solely on the host, “I’m Aurora,” then she looked over at a taller shapelier woman nearby dancing against a nice looking man. I curiously watched as she let her smile fade before turning her attention back to Noah, “I think Emily and Liam have had too much to drink already.”
“Aurora,” Noah smirked, pulling a blunt out of his pocket, “You really need to chill. We’re having a party here.” Then he looked over at Ashton, motioning for a light. I watched as Ashton took his lighter out of his pocket and lit Noah’s blunt. Just then a friend from Mia’s class came up and stole my friend’s attention, leaving me with the strangers. There was a moment of nervousness that fluttered in my stomach as I watched Noah take a hit from the blunt before passing it to Ashton, who took a long slow inhale. Then, he looked at me, a slight smile playing on his lips before he offered the blunt to me.
Honestly, it had been a long time since I’d done any kind of drug, and wondered if I didn’t take the blunt, if Ashton would be offended. There was something about him that seemed to make all my reason fly out the door. So I smiled at him as I took the blunt from him, putting it to my lips and taking my time enjoying the flavor that enveloped my mouth. Once I exhaled, once again making eye contact with him, he was staring at me, a mischievous grin replacing his emotionless expression.
“You look like you could use a drink,” Noah announced. “Actually, I think I need a drink.” Then he left, making his way to the other side of the room to grab a few plastic cups. But I didn’t want any alcohol in my system, because all I wanted was to get to know Ashton a bit better. So far, all I knew about him was that he smoked weed and was Noah’s best friend. Aurora took her turn on the blunt before giving it back to Ashton, then she followed Noah, offering to help him carry the four plastic cups he was holding.
“You want more?” Ashton asked, offering me the blunt again. He had taken another long inhale, exhaling the smoke into the crowd of drunk college students. I turned around, wondering if Mia was watching me, not that I thought she would mind too much that I was swapping spit with so many people on someone’s random weed. But she wasn’t anywhere to be seen, so I stepped closer to him, taking the blunt and inhaling. I could feel my body begin to relax as we moved to an empty corner of the couch, sitting there and passing what was left between the two of us.
Somehow we had ended up in a completely random conversation about the funniest things his friends had said when high. Repeating to me some of the most ridiculous stories of him and Noah smoking in high school, had me doubled over in laughter. There was a moment that he looked at me, his crystal blue eyes feeling as if they were burning a hole in my soul as I laughed, that made me shiver. I wanted him to reach out and touch me.
We continued to talk, the conversation feeling more and more abstract. The noise around us, music and people, faded into the background, as all of my attention went to Ashton. His sharp nose and slightly dimpled smile. I found myself unable to look away from him, the attraction so strong that I was struggling to keep from just leaning over and kissing him. It felt like we had been sitting there for ten minutes before I looked over at the DVR clock which indicated that we had been sitting there talking for a little over an hour. Checking around me, I noticed that Noah and Aurora were no where to be found, as was my friend and ride.
“You okay?” he asked seeing my distracted look. I still felt a bit fuzzy in my head, wondering how I was going to get home, as walking sounded like it would take forever. I thought to myself, maybe I should go.
“Why?” he said with a disappointed frown.
“Wait, I said that out loud?” I asked back, feeling a bit confused.
He grinned, “Yeah…”
I started laughing, which initiated laughter from him as well. Once I had calmed down a bit I said, “My ride’s gone.”
“Who?” He looked around curiously.
I smiled as I replied, “Mia, the girl I came here with. She’s my roommate.”
“Well I could drive you back,” then he moved a bit closer to me, “if you want to go.”
I could feel my stomach flutter, seeing his body leaning towards me, his face inches from mine. How I wanted so badly to just kiss him. Looking from his lips to his eyes, feeling my mouth go a bit dry, I said, “We don’t have to leave now.”
“I was hoping you’d say that,” he replied, slowly inching closer.
I let my eyes shut in anticipation, before feeling them tighten once his lips met mine. His hand slipped over the sheer part of my dress by my waist as he leaned in, kissing me with slow passionate movements. I leaned in too, letting my tongue dart out to play with his, enjoying the taste of his lips against mine. It was so exhilarating, feeling him react to me, his lips beginning to move quicker, eager.
Suddenly he pulled away, looking me in the eyes, before grabbing my hand and pulling me up. “Let’s go…” I followed him, as he quickly bounded up the stairs entering a room off the top of the stairs. There was an unused covered pool table, a small couch in the corner, and void of people. He grinned at me, closing the door before pinning me against it. Our lips instantly met again with a ravenous need, his hands sliding up and down my dress.
This was new for me, hooking up with someone I’d only known for a few hours. But it was empowering, feeling as if I was in charge. I didn’t have to worry about jealousy, possessiveness, or the urge to please. This was purely selfish, on both of our parts. We were soon on the couch, my dress on the floor next to his shirt, and we were only interested in enjoying each others bodies.
I moaned as he squeed my breast, his lips nipping and sucking hard on my neck. While he touched me, I reached down to touch him, realizing that this was also new. I could count all the men I’d seen naked or touched like this on one hand. But for some reason, being with Ashton felt familiar. I straddled him, my hand in his boxers gently stroking him as we passionately kissed. His lips broke away to embellish my chest, his hands firmly holding my waist. I let my head fall back, moans slipping out with each caress.
Before I knew it, he was out of his boxers, his manhood pressing against my stomach. At that moment, I knew I was about to take a step that I wouldn’t be able to take back, and I felt good about it. Was I expecting to be having sex with this guy two hours before when I noticed him across the room? No, but as I navigated him into me, I was glad that we had.
That was the beginning of something I’d thought I’d given up long ago. Initiation into his core group was simple, as I’d already met Noah and Aurora. The horny couple I saw dancing at the party were also part of that group, Emily and Liam, who seemed to be more than happy to have me join them on their outings. Ashton introduced me as his friend, which was perfect. We’d decided that, though we had amazing sex, it would probably be best if we identified as friends. Seeing his gorgeous face as something I wanted to kiss, slowly changed as we crossed that line of friendship. Every weekend I was at his place, or Noah’s place, smoking with them, drinking with them, enjoying their company. They often threw parties, inviting their other friends for a good time. In my excitement to be part of this cool group, I often was incredibly high or drunk, or both during the parties. The best part was not having to deal with jealousy from anyone if I found my way into a secluded room with a random guy here and there. It felt liberating, knowing that my new friends didn’t judge me for it. In fact, Noah would often tease me about how good I was at getting his friends to abandon their dates.
I quickly learned that Aurora had the hugest crush on Noah, she would follow him around like a puppy dog, ready to be there at his every beck and call. But being a rather self absorbed person, he was completely oblivious to her obvious devotion. This was knowledge shared by all of us, but seemed to fly right over Noah’s big head.
Mia was a bit surprised to see me going out often to hang out with these people. She sometimes would stop me, asking if I’d forgotten about her, which would make me laugh. No, I hadn’t forgotten her, I’d just found a group of people who were having as much fun as I wanted to have.
I didn’t let the partying affect my studies though. I still showed up to class, sometimes with intense hangovers, sometimes still high. I still turned in my assignments on time and made sure they were completed while sober. Honestly, my goal was not to replace the good friends I already had, but to find new ones that were willing to help me fill the gaping hole within.
The nightmares were still happening, I was still having panic attacks, but when I was with my new crew, all those things went away. Maybe it was all the drugs we were doing, or the alcohol we were drinking, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was I was distracted enough to forget the emotional pain that still plagued my memories.
Caleb hadn’t been willing to fill that role of distraction, but Ashton was more than happy to oblige. It felt so good to know that when I was feeling particularly lonely, I only had to text him. We would spend time in his or my apartment, alternating between smoking, having sex, and just engaging in friendly conversations. There was no need for me to get into the logistics of my ex with him, after all we were just hooking up for a good time. We knew this was strictly sexual, which seemed perfectly acceptable. Sometimes we would run into Mia in the living room as we stumbled into the apartment, usually incredibly drunk.
“Looks like you guys had fun,” she’d say, a hint of disdain in her voice as she eyed us suspiciously one Sunday night. We had been with Noah and Liam, sitting around Liam’s living room drinking and smoking. Emily and Aurora were suppose to come too, but they didn’t, leaving me with the three boys. Honestly it was more fun, not having to tiptoe around Aurora’s hyper sensitivity regarding Noah or watching Liam and Emily fight only to be making out a moment later. I’d only been hanging out with them for a few months, but was having more fun than I had for a long time.
I often wondered if the rest of the group knew about Ashton and I, though I couldn’t imagine how, since Aurora was convinced I was only into hooking up with strangers. She decided to confide in Emily that she suspected I was bisexual, since I sometimes got so wasted I’d dance provocatively with girls. This came up to the group while I was passing a blunt to Noah, who grinned at me.
“You know,” he started as he put the joint to his lips, “Aurora thinks you’re a freak.”
I broke out into a laugh glancing over at Ashton and Liam. “What the fuck is that suppose to mean?”
He leaned in close saying, “You like girls too…”
The four of us were staring at each other, the fog clouding over our heads, the smell so strong. We’d been at this for nearly an hour and were scorching our fingers on the last of Liam’s weed.
Liam smiled, “Aurora is just paranoid.” He stood up and retreated into the kitchen to get us some beers. Meanwhile Ashton decided to add, “Who actually gives a fuck?”
Noah leaned back on his arms, after snubbing out the smoking joint in the ashtray on the floor in front of us. “Personally I think it’s pretty hot.”
I grinned at them, looking up at Liam who was handing me an ice cold beer. Though that wasn’t my favorite type of alcohol, it was good enough to wash down the smoke I’d inhaled. “I’m so sorry to disappoint you then,” I said to Noah. “I’m purely on a dick diet.”
They all laughed at my unusual crudeness.
So when I got back to the apartment, still rather stoned with Ashton trailing behind me, I paid Mia’s attitude no attention. Instead I said, “We had a guys day.”
Then I grabbed Ashton and dragged him into my bedroom, where we spent the night fulfilling each other’s desires for sex.
© 2017 Aurora Alexander